What does it all mean?

My cousin’s blog the other day has got me going.  Thanks there, pal.  Heh heh.  What does it mean to be adult?  Why are so many “adults” miserable? And my questions to add to the mix….why does it appear that an increasing number of people are not growing up?  I think this means more to me as my older children are in puberty and becoming young men.

I do believe that I have grown up – I won’t go into details today, but, sufficed to say, I have arrived. Having achieved this I have noticed that many of the people with whom I would have previously become quite friendly, mostly men in their early to mid 30′s, have become tedious or impossible for me to have any relationship with beyond the usual superficial banalities.  I hold no malice towards these people – rather I feel I just don’t want to be bothered having to deal with all the baggage such people tend to lug around with themselves.  I am convinced that these people have essentially remained kids, or young adults (if you’re perhaps the easily offended type).

When I moved to Vancouver from my previous life in Indiana and Michigan I made a lot of friends.  Many of them were in their mid 30′s to pushing 40 then and had not “settled down”.  I thought nothing of it at the time because I had not yet do so.  I never attributed the not settling down to a lack of maturity or to a refusal/inability to grow up.  I kind of thought of it as they (and I) were just living life the way we always wanted (I am always tempted to dangle my participle, but if I’m gonna dangle anything it ain’t gonna be that!).  Hindsight, so beautifully 20/20, has blown that notion out of the proverbial water.  None of those guys, while all older than I, were no more adult than I was and still are not.  Do we as a society encourage eternal childhood or at least eternal adolescence because if people grow up they are likely to be more difficult to control?  I’m convinced fear and uncertainty created by those in power and blown out of proportion by the media play a large role in this phenomenon.

I didn’t grow up until the safety net erected by my parents was completely and irretrievably away from me and that my fallback of always being able to return to engineering was no longer a part of reality.  My choices in life had led me to a crossroads, so to speak, where I had to make some very important decisions.  I can no longer tell you what these decisions even were because I was not aware at that moment of choice what the consequences would be or lead.  It was a very complex process, involving so many items such as priorities, successes, failures, joy, heartbreak, and hardship.  What these things are and will mean in the future at the time they’re happening is nebulous, if not unknowable.  After the latest crisis (series of crises would be more accurate) I am aware of the fact I have become an adult in every sense of the term.  Becoming an adult had nothing to do with settling down, having fun or not, or chronological age.  For me, I think I can best sum it up as being more of a transfiguration of sorts.  Everything that came before has melted away into insignificance, except for a few select events which had such severe and penetrating repercussions, and life now seems more to be geared toward what comes next.  I have learned to enjoy my little victories.   Having an excessive number of or too lofty of goals has proved to be deleterious to my well-being, and hence to that of my family.  Crises and tragedies are unavoidable – they happen unlooked-for and suddenly.  It’s how one handles such events, along with the good stuff, that indicates adulthood.  It’s easy to be miserable with life, but if one chooses to live how he needs and wants to, he will find it easier to be at ease and content.  I know content is a bad word to use, but I know of no other – I always want things better, but you have to know when the pursuit of betterment becomes preoccupation with perfection.  Perfection is a dangerous and damaging goal in anything.  Life is life, each of us has his own and must live it, whether he directs it himself or allows someone to dictate it for him.

People will always be too glad to tell us what to do or how to do it, but they are never going to help you if you fail while utilizing their advice.  It’s better to fail of your own devices and to fix them yourself than to be driven to failure by others and not have the ability or power to change anything.

“All children are essentially criminal” – I don’t know who wrote it, but I read it in a book in the doctor’s office.  Very fitting at the moment.

Worked in the yard today mowing, trimming, weeding, etc before winter closes in.  I actually got down in the dirt sometimes on my hands and knees and pulled thistle (an invasive non-native species here) for 2 1/2 hours.  I must’ve pulled 300-400.  I now have a very content, very tired feeling in my arms and hands – those things can be a royal bitch.  Anyway, it got me thinking about how it is nice to be close to the ground, get the earth under your fingernails and such.  I don’t know if I would’ve made a decent farmer, but I can certainly see the merits of gardening once again.  Stupid busy life and sickness had made me forget how important that is to me.  I would love to have chickens again – or even a pig – but that probably is unrealistic here.  Maybe some rabbits for fur and food.  I like raising my own food.  Want to hunt again, too.  Good quality food.  My mother-in-law has long spoken of “plastic food”.  It’s awful stuff – how many of our collective health problems are caused by this?  Probably way more than anyone would ever be willing to acknowledge under any circumstances.

Summer is waning – essentially a lost year for me.   Almost three-quarters of it has been spent coping with disease.  Only in the last month have things improved to the point where I can now proceed with MY life.  When one has many dependents/charges it is difficult to grab the alone time, but when something like disease enters the fray and threatens all you love and have worked so hard for you have nothing for yourself in the usual sense.  It may feel like you have no time, but everything done during that crisis is done purely for your survival.  I think all this has made me stronger and more formidable.  I will no longer allow things to get in my way.

Oh, who knows if any of this matters.  Probably all bullshit.  It was fun to write, however.

Over and out.

PS  I must add that the process of growing up did involve a fair amount of desperation, but that can be ameliorated by staying cool and by choosing after carefully weighing any and all options.  It is nerve-wracking, but it works.

Busy days, busy thoughts

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to do this.  The need/desire to write appears to fluctuate in me – I would wager that it probably is directly related to the amount of sleep.  My need for alone time is cutting into my sleep.  It’s kinda twisted that sleep doesn’t even give us the satisfaction that several hours of introspection and solitude can.  My brain has felt very on fire lately – working madly on all sorts of items.  I suppose it’s a sign that life is relaxing a little bit.

I’ve been particularly interested in the artificial nature of our existence.  We are all a part of it and it keeps us busy to the point that when we fulfill our obligations to the “system” we are too tired and/or occupied with the necessities of life to really have anytime to ourselves.  I guess that this is a natural stabilizing factor in any culture – you have your crazies, half-wits, fools, fiends, slackers who are balanced by the more industrious and we work our bags off for what?  The opportunity to be chronically tired?  Ooh, that’s a good one.  But really, the problem is that we don’t get that all-important time where we need to really unwind and let our minds wander.  At least that’s the way I see it.  For me, this lack is especially agitating – I get selfish, mouthy, and generally irritable when I cannot get that time.  Funny thing, we got cable – the first time in about 16 years I’ve even watched anything more than the odd hockey game or movie – and I’ve tried watching TV.  Holy shit!  It’s terrible.  Just so fucking awful that I just cannot understand why anyone would give up their precious time (because ALL the time granted to us precious, trust me, okay?) to watch such programs.  If you want to, that’s fine – I just don’t get it.

Anyway, not enough time….is it really just the kids and all the above is just bullshit?  Probably, because a wise person I know recently told me that damned near everything that we see, hear, do, read, write, and say is nothing except bullshit designed to keep someone else busy.  What would we do if we weren’t busy?  Screw?  The puritans wouldn’t like that.  Fuck the Protestant “work ethic” – stupid bastards working instead of having sex.  Assholes.

Okay, thought over.  Duran Duran playing.  HAH!  ”Girls on Film” Too much.

Over and out.

Another day, another pain in the ass? Not always.

Well, I’m back after moving.  I’m pretty bagged, but I feel good about everything we’re doing.  I was chatting with my wife the other evening and then remarked to my cousin earlier today that I finally feel like settling down and am very content to call this place my home.  I’ve had a lot of houses, but no true home since I left my mother’s.  After so much exploring, wandering, traveling, and job changing I find it peculiar that I am able to give that up.  It seems to have defined me for an unusually long period of time, compared, that is, to people I know.

November of this year will mark the 6th anniversary of my leaving the engineering “profession”.  It was the second time in 4 1/2 years that I totally pulled up my roots and abandoned not only a job, but a lifestyle.  Looking back, it all makes sense now but at those times I had no clue how life would turn out.  Always seem to land on my feet.

Aw shit, I tried picking this up after starting the other night.  Unfortunately, there are always distractions in my life so this idea is now screwed totally.  I hate that.  Luckily I know now that life is 99% absolute bullshit designed to keep me busy, 0.75% stuff I need to do for other people, and a mere quarter percent is left over for me.  And that damned quarter comes at a premium.  Damnit, I need to get away and hike for a month in the mountains.  All this crap….the computer, the job, the keeping up of appearances is just bullshit.  We really get too little time for what is important.  And now, back to the title…it is the rare day that isn’t a pain in the ass.

A wise man I know said, “you can always get higher”.  Sounds good, but not a credo by which to live.  More bullshit.  Muddy Waters put it better…”give me champagne when I’m thirsty and bring me reefer when I want to get high”.

“Squeeze my lemon till the juice runs down my leg” – now that is life.  Something to live for, right?  I hope so.

Good night for some raw blues and good slide.  Maybe revisit later.  Screw it.

In the Garden of Eden, or chasing game on the savannah….

Note:  I wrote this a few nights ago.  No posts lately since I moved.  Got the net operating again.  Funny how things change with a simple change of scenery.  Changes the old attitude.

Sitting out tonight enjoying the fab new view, I of course bent my mind upon god and religion once again. It’s certainly in the spotlight these days.

First, consider hunter/gatherer humans. They, to us, appear to live in harmony with the natural world. They appear to have little interest into extending their lives indefinitely – death is as important in life as is birth. It’s the way things are.

Now consider us, “modern” humans. We seek to subdue our environment and bend it to our wills and technology. We fixate upon the extension of our years. Death is something to be defeated, eradicated – we are coming to treat it as not natural.

Okay, now let’s consider the bible – the book of Genesis, specifically. It states, in a nutshell, that God created man perfectly to live forever in a perfect world, but we people screwed it up by heeding some silly serpent, right? And that act introduced death into the world. Yes, it’s myth…but as I read earlier “myth is the smoke of history”. And where there’s smoke there’s fire.

So, this is where I’m heading. Ever since the dawn of agricultural civilizations, people have become increasingly obsessed with agelessness and immortality. Maybe they’re not increasingly like this, but the technology certainly allows for many more drastic measures. So-called primitive cultures, on the other hand, are not preoccupied by this notion – they are too busy finding food and shelter to apply their minds to such endeavors. Yet these “primitive” ones appear content and in tune with their ways of life – until we show up and wreck it all.

What if the primitive peoples are in Eden or Utopia? It really doesn’t matter what one calls it – it’s the way we were to created to exist in complete and perpetually perfect harmony with our surroundings. Our civilization today is at complete and seemingly perpetual loggerheads with that same world. One cannot deny it.

Mankind would survive until the end of all things (be it planetary nebula formation or asteroid collision or whatever) if he remains in harmony. By not striving for everlasting life primitive hunter/gatherer peoples in a sense ensure their survival because they will not destroy their own habitat to get ahead. By aiming for immortality and the domination of the natural world we have sowed the seeds of our own doom. We cannot reverse it. The goal of a return to a primitive harmonic way of life is chimeric – the more you try, the worse things get. We cannot go back to primitive hunting/gathering unless something really shattering happens – but it might not even work then because so much has already been destroyed.

The religions of our western culture all seem to aim for some form of immortal paradise, be it heavenly or earthbound. Animist religions don’t do this. Agriculture and commerce led to where we are with religion riding along trying to tell people that everything will be all right in the end if they just listen to those in power (or influence).

If we would just have stayed primitive, we’d go on….but by trying to beat nature now, nature seems poised to beat us badly.

Well, this will be posted when we have service again.

Makes sense now

Tonight chatting with my wife, I hit upon what bothers me about getting old – it’s not the physical stuff much at all, it’s mostly the knowledge that everything is finite.  I know I have to age and have to die.  It’s knowledge that is another little gift of experience.  Like my mother said, “you’ll be old and won’t quite be able to realize how it happened so fast”.  I remember her at my age and now she’s old.  To me it seems to have been the blink of an eye – and I see truth in the assertion by old people that time goes faster when you’re running out of it.

I’m not all worried about dying soon or anything like that, but this was something of a revelation to me – that aging for me doesn’t appear to be about looking older, but being a reminder that days are indeed numbered.  Oh well.  Might as well enjoy.  Right?  Yes.

Of course I’ll introduce you to Warren….

Today sucked hind titty.  Too much.  That kind of bullshit is just too common to even discuss anymore.  I did, however, listen to lots of Frank Zappa and that’s always a good thing when in a bad mood because there’s just something about his stuff that makes me realize that most of my headaches are really nothing.

There’s something about the line, “A latent appliance fetishist is a person who refuses to admit to his or herself that sexual gratification can only be achieved through the use of machines, get the picture?” that is just outrageous enough to make one laugh aloud and start singing along.  If you have never listened to Frank Zappa, you should….soon.  The lyrics are one thing, but the music is just killer.

Ah, fuzzy thoughts on a cold evening.  Very angry and bitter thoughts earlier.  I wanted to tear down and trash anyone or anything I could.  The government, the media, stupid people, religious zealots, and about four other things I cannot at the moment remember had me going in turns for the better part of the day.  I read yesterday that there are some in Canada who are concerned about of possible coup-d’etat – they claim they’re concerned about “home-grown” terrorists, but it would appear there is a theory out there based upon questionable information from the 60′s about a possible US coup against the government of Lester Pearson.  Apparently, some are worried about the US moving in and taking over.

Shit, why would the US take over here?  It already controls and consumes the better part of the country’s natural resources and it doesn’t have to take care of such an unwieldy population.  Anyway, if the US wanted to, they could.  Period.  What would the Canadians say?  ”Oh yeah, well we still beat you in hockey and helped burn Washington in 1814.”  Come on, people.  Get over it.  It doesn’t matter.  Everything is going to shit anyway in the long run.

The US is like the Roman Empire in so many ways, albeit with unbelievable technology.  I wonder, that in a 1000 or 2000 years (if we don’t destroy ourselves by then), if people will look upon these days as the beginning of the decline of Western (British and then US) hegemony in the affairs of the world.  Will the next be the Chinese or will their system also perish when the present western one inevitably does so?  If these are such days, I wonder what the forces of reaction will do when they truly realize what’s happening.  The muslim war (that’s what it is….no more euphemisms, please) that’s going on right now isn’t going away soon.  The muslim’s actions someday will provoke someone powerful into open land war.  It could be the US, Russia, China, or India.  And this will happen.  I cannot even imagine what could happen.  I think we are going very shortly to be entering very interesting and troubling times.  The world is getting crowded.  Billions are swayed by unprovable and illogical religious beliefs.  Reason and logic are disappearing.  The United States is becoming a modern Rome – entertainment and overfeeding of the masses leading to apathy and ignorance of the hard realities of life.  Power, greed, and corruption are rampant.  People not voting anymore – surrendering hard-won rights for more “plastic” food and mindless video bombardment.  I do get the irony of writing that, considering the time I spend on the damned computer.

Something’s got to give.  And then the killing will start in earnest.  Like nothing no one has seen.

Well, that’s a downer.  But it does piss me off that we are so stupid that we ALWAYS repeat our mistakes.

So done…

Tired today.  Yesterday was somewhat of a bitch.  The fat Chinese dinner after the work was scrumptious, though.  Couldn’t do much today and I didn’t really want to move a whole lot.  Drank a few beers watching knifey and the kids make pumpkin bread.  Lots churning in my head.

My cousin had a great blog today/yesterday……got into Chris McCandless (Into the Wild – movie and book).  Made me start thinking about how we as human beings have constructed this artificial (in the sense that we made it) world/environment in which to live.  I personally think McCandless was something of a noble fool, his intentions were good – to go live off the land in the Alaskan wilderness to prove something (whatever it was now escapes me).  But his actions and preparations belied a fatal level of arrogance and hubris common in today’s culture.  These people, like him, who go off to live alone upon the “bounty of the land” are curious figures.  Curious in that they become the way they are yet even more puzzling in that, for seemingly intelligent and thoughtful (if not hopelessly idealistic) people, they seem to have forgotten that we as men are intensely social creatures.  Our success centers around our relationships with one another and they seemingly ignore this animal instinct.

My cousin had begun by commenting something to the effect that modern people aren’t physically (though he may have also meant psychologically) capable of such a hard and singular existence.  I took exception to that – not in any emotional sense – because such a statement implicity denies cultural influences upon our actions – we are actually perfectly suited to a hardscrabble existence (only our genes and our minds are weaker).  Our culture today does not allow for our “regression” back to a more simple existence.  Let’s, for argument’s sake, for the moment ignore the genetic issues/survival-of-the-fittest ideas that influence everything – assume we are dealing with a clever, healthy, strong, and intelligent person completely raised and nurtured in today’s culture. So, we have this person able to cope with the inherent hardship of the physical world – he can eat and stay healthy and warm.   What I think is that our elevation of the individual affects every single person and that this “specimen” of a man will still fail because he will be unable to forge and maintain the human relationships necessary for survival.  This tendency, I maintain, perverts everything we do.

Man can not get along alone.  He will wither and die just like Chris McCandless did.  Arrogance and hubris are pathological in our culture.  This glorification of the individual is everywhere – think of movie heroes.  In real life, such things don’t happen.  They just don’t, people.  Stop daydreaming that you can be like that – it is a chimera.  We cannot stand alone – standing alone only leads to one thing – demise.  Robinson Crusoe and the rest of the literary ilk like him are fictional.  McCandless and countless others were real and they died doing their thing – which I do admire insomuch as they died doing what they really wanted to do.  And here is the nut….I always said I wanted to die with my boots on on some glacier or mountain, but I can be okay with dying an old man, peacefully in bed.  And I just now a few seconds ago really understand that that change has taken place.  Strange how life forges us.

Was this the point of all this today?  To better figure where I stand with regard to my inevitable demise or to justify my own view of the world and the rest of humanity?  And, by the way, I am conscious of the fact that I am guilty of just about everything I point out that is wrong with other people.   Am I exploring my own frustrated idealism (“give me a cynic and I’ll show you disillusioned idealist”)?

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to wander so much and be so disjointed, but my brain works this way.  Told wifey today that I think someday I’ll wade through all these blogs, pick out tidbits of info, develop an idea, and write an essay – ooh, or maybe a treatise (it would be neat to write one of those).  These are my rough notes.